I used to be afraid of Kate Kelly

I used to be afraid of having a gay child.

Of psychologists.

Of uncertainty, dissension, and differences.

Of things I didn’t understand.

I used to be afraid.

Now I am afraid of having any child.

Of being alive.

Of being dead.

Of connecting.

Of isolating.

I was influenced to see Kate Kelly as a symbol of narcissism and evil. Now I see a woman.

I was influenced to believe that having a gay child meant choosing heaven or love. Now I see a child.

Someday I will not be afraid of having a child, of living, of dying, of connecting, of isolating.

What will I be afraid of then?

A Star is Born Review

There are few movies that bring emotions so strongly to the forefront of my mind that I sob. Among the many emotions that may accompany sobbing, gratitude for the sobbing is usually one of them. I like feeling and expressing these emotions strongly. The rarity and authenticity of the experience add to the preciousness of the feelings. I've become really good at manufacturing the emotion of fear and portraying the emotion of cheerfulness. I even experience a hollow sort of sadness at regular intervals. However, a full sadness, one that contains complex ideas such as loss, love, family, regret, solitude, camaraderie, and empathy, is rare and special. It feels healing in a way.

The movies I can remember making me feel this way are:

Warrior

A Beautiful Mind

Phantom of the Opera

I connected with the complex familial love that is discussed in Warrior. A Beautiful Mind hit very close to home at the time I was watching it. I was 13 when I cried during Phantom of the Opera. I felt for the Phantom and that he just wanted to be loved. I write more thoughts on Phantom of the Opera here.

Ohp, and I cried during "The Shawshank Redemption" as well. Almost forgot about that one, which is not an indication of how great that movie is. It is one of the best (according to the voters on IMDB, it is THE best.)

As you may have guessed, I also had a strong emotional reaction to A Star is Born. 

Bradley Cooper carefully crafted a cinematic experience that led me to deeply care about the characters, to relate to them, to want to be them, to want to know them. He also beautifully portrayed the difficulties of life. Jackson and Ally have their specific set of difficulties, yet the emotions that accompany them feel transcendent. I started this post with the intent of analyzing the movie, but now that I'm here, I think I just want to let myself be affected by the movie without wondering why. I'm grateful for the experience I had while watching the movie.  

The Psychology of Disneyland

If you are reading this, you probably also love Disneyland, so I'm going to skip the paragraph about how much I love Disneyland and go straight to WHY, or the psychology behind the magic. (Fair warning: this is, as Nick Miller says, "Popcorn Psychology" and only based on the internet/podcast research I have done and my own conjectures.)

Photo by Gui Avelar on Unsplash

This could also be considered a manifesto to everyone who has asked me "Why do you like Disneyland?" and all I could think was "Because I'm an immature child." Now I have a better answer.

Before Disneyland, "Amusement Parks" were shoddy, unkempt, and chintzy. The paths were dirt and littered with popcorn bags and the rides jutted up haphazardly among a sparse area. The "amusement" was meant to provide a temporary distraction to life and lasted only as long as the ride. The rides segregated families into different age groups and thrill levels while rarely allowing for a shared enjoyable experience.

A man with two daughters and a penchant for precision was not impressed by these carnival diversions. He wished for a clean and friendly place to take his daughters; a place to experience with his children and wife that would leave them with memories lasting much longer than a few minutes. He revolutionized the entertainment and theme park industry and here are a few of the principles that he used.

A Story

Walt Disney combined the physical experience with an emotional experience. He took the basic idea of a "ride" and elevated it to an "attraction" by giving it a story. You aren't just feeling the wind fly past your face, you are flying with Dumbo. You aren't just in a pirate ship, you are Peter Pan, saving Wendy from Captain Hook. You aren't just getting a kabab, you are at a remote trading post in the jungle.

Immersion

Everything in Disneyland has a purpose: to transport you to another time and place. Walt himself said, “Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow, and fantasy.” The first sight that brings a swelling feeling of elation is the Disneyland Railroad. This is no coincidence. Trains symbolize a journey. The sight of the train station brings with full force the feeling that we are going somewhere happy and we are eager to start the journey. When I became aware of this I had a mini mind explosion. I did not even consciously realize why the beginning of the park felt so happy.

The Berm. Disneyland is surrounded by a berm or a earthworks wall. The berm preserves the illusion of a separate world. No signs of freeways, business offices or even a petty normal street outside of Disneyland distracts from the fantasy. However, you can still see open sky and you don't feel stifled or closed in.

The Senses. Walt wanted to immerse his guests and did so by carefully cultivating an experience for every sense. The music for each land isn't meant to command your attention, but subtly give the aura that you are in a fantasy land, the future, the jungles, or the wild frontier. The sights are perhaps an obvious contribution to the magic, but you may not realize to what extent it goes. The trashcans in each land are themed, the bathroom signs are themed, even the very pattern of the path on which you walk changes from land to land. It all contributes.

Trashcans themed for Tomorrowland, Fantasyland, Frontierland, and Adventureland. There are tons more.

Mainstreet has a brick walk reminiscent of the turn of the century. 

Fantasyland has cobblestone.

Adventureland has tan dusty paths to represent a dirt jungle or desert path.

Tomorrowland is more utilitarian.

Critter Country looks almost like a riverbed in my mind. Or maybe just the stamped dirt floor of a cabin in the wood.

Frontierland has a desert-y themed pavement.

New Orleans Square looks just like a street like you might find in Louisiana.

Continuing with the senses: Disneyland pumps certain smells into the air. On Mainstreet, it's popcorn. In Pirates of the Caribbean, it's the smell of wet wood, salt, and must. Have you ever noticed that the water in Disneyland rides has a really memorable and nostalgic smell? There's a reason for that too. This YouTube guy explains it in three minutes better than I can.

                                   

Temperature: Haunted Mansion is NOTICEABLY cooler than the other rides, all to give a chilling spooky vibe.

Touch: Have you ever seen a "Do Not Touch" sign at Disneyland? I haven't! All part of the immersion.

Taste: I don't think I even have to talk about this. So I won't.

Weenies

 The Disney family had a dog named Lady. When Walt would come home from work, he would grab a hot dog (weenie) from the fridge and entice Lady over to him. Walt applied this principle to his park. Since Disneyland was landscaped, themed, and arranged carefully (unlike theme parks of old, where you could just see every ride right as you walked in), Walt wanted a way to draw guests to the different areas of the park where new experiences could be discovered. Thus was born the idea that every land should have a tall, visible attraction that would draw guests to that land.

Weenies or "visual magnets" are also great for navigation. I am HORRIBLE at geospatial reasoning and directions. Horrible. However, I have never felt lost or overwhelmed by finding my way at Disneyland. Why? Weenies.

The Hub: the central area of Disneyland that leads to the other lands. The visual magnet for this area is Sleeping Beauty's castle.

Fantasyland: The Matterhorn Bobsleds

Critter Country: Splash Mountain

Toon Town: I never go here, so I'm not really sure if this land even has a weenie.

Frontierland: Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.

New Orleans Square: The Haunted Mansion.

Tomorrowland: If I had to guess, I would say it's the Astro Orbiter? This one is hard to tell. Also, I'm not a big fan of Tomorrowland. MAYBE FOR THIS VERY REASON.

Adventureland: Indiana Jones Adventure: Temple of the Forbidden Eye has great potential to be a weenie, but it is not. I believe this is on purpose. Disneyland's website describes Adventureland as a place "where every step of the journey is a foot further into the unknown." "Enter a lost temple or delve into dark jungles." Is Adventureland going to seem unknown, lost, and dark if there is a giant weenie orienting you at all times??? No. 

Entrance

Disneyland has one entrance and one exit. This may not seem significant, but it was unusual at the time of it's design. Previous amusement parks had many entrances and exits. Why did Walt choose to have one thoroughfare? Immersion. Once you are in Disneyland, you are totally enveloped in the experience. There are no indications of the outside world. Now that I think about it though, it is sort of amazing that fire code still allows Disneyland to only have have one entrance and exit....

The Art of the Reveal

Everything you see fits into the theming and yet, you don't see everything at once. There is no hint of the "real world" and there are alleyways, doors, staircases, beckoning you to discover seemingly endless magic.

Something for Everyone

I'll leave you with a story from imagineer Rolly Crump. Walking through Adventureland one day with Disneyland landscape architect, Bill Evans, Rolly saw a group of people from another country all looking at one area. Bill Evans turned to Rolly and said, "Do you know what they're looking at?"
"No, what?"
"They're looking at their native flower."

The psychology of Disneyland may be about illusion and magic, but there is also an intangible reality and genuine attentiveness to people that permeates throughout the park and ties it all together.

Super Kraut

My dad is really good at cleverly making jokes with words. Some people may call these jokes "puns", but I think his skill rises to a more artistic level. Even at the young age of seven, he was clever enough and cheeky enough to make a pun using his knowledge of both English and Cajun French.

Now there's just one thing that you need to understand about Cajun French. The word "crotte" means "turd." It rhymes with "caught."  If you remember crotte, you'll understand this story.

There was a traveling salesman that came door to door in Kaplan, Louisiana one summer. He was showing Alice, my mawmaw, some of his products when my seven year old dad came up to see what was going on.

My dad watched silently for a few minutes until the salesman showcased a long Slim Jim type thing with the words "Super Kraut" on it.

My dad leaned away expecting a swat, "Look mom a super crotte!"

Free Peaceful "Wallpapers"

I benefit from certain reminders. The reality of life is that I see my phone lock screen about 20 times a day at least, so, what a great place to remind myself to breathe, slow down, observe.

I enjoyed making these and I hope that you enjoy using them.

All photos were taken from Unsplash (an awesome website/app with free photography) and the text was added on an app called Over.

Free wallpaper, iPhone wallpaper, peaceful pictures

Loving Someone With Depression

Lack of control.

Confusion because one day he is the witty, teasing, calmly confidant person that I first knew and then the next day he cannot seem to speak. When he does, it is hollow and I know he is struggling with more than sadness. It seems to follow no pattern.

Stress because I know it is not my fault, but I feel that I am somehow making things worse.

Selfishness because it is exhausting.

Guilt because I wonder if he is even trying.

Compassion when I realize he is trying more than most.

Love because of the deep and personal conversations that happen. Love because of the service that is rendered by both of us. Love because I can see his goodness so clearly.

Learning because depression is more complicated than I once thought.

Growth because of the conversations and decisions that would not otherwise happen.

Trust because if I want peace, trust is my only option.

Realization that sometimes loving someone means giving them their space.

Acceptance that control is not a solution.

Hurt because it is hard to see someone you love so much hurting so badly.

Love.

Spiritual Illness versus Mental Illness

I impulse bought a $36 ticket to a Harry Styles concert. It was wonderful and fan-girly. When Harry came on stage, so much screaming ensued. It felt like the girls’ screams had been building and intensifying until their object of worship came out and the pressure was released. It was fun to be in a room with that much pure adoration. I got an adrenaline rush just from being around them. 


 
Harry’s concert started right on time, like ON TIME, which bumped up my respect for him. I also respect him for his vocal power, his support of the Pride movement, and his “treat people with kindness” mantra. It's also cool that his drummer is a girl.
Even though his opening act started on time, there was some downtime while the stage was being set up for him. It was a really nice space to think (I went to the concert alone) and my INFJ mind removed to my inner world.
My mind went to my thoughts and feelings about the LDS church. I have found myself being uncomfortable with many major aspects of the church. However, for various reasons, I have found myself again attending church. Which puts me in an interesting position. Having just moved into the ward, I knew that the likelihood of getting asked to speak in church was statistically higher.
My mind started ruminating about if I would accept the invitation to speak and if I did accept, what I could speak about. Two weeks later I was asked to give a talk and I accepted.
Here are the thoughts I shared:

Moral Agency: our ability to choose between right and wrong. The opening hymn this morning suggests that without it, we are “mere animals.” What happens to us then, when our moral agency is diminished? What does that mean for us? I have noticed that sometimes our ability to choose is lessened. One of those times is when mental illness is involved. I’d like to address the differences between mental illness and spiritual illness.

Mental illness and spiritual illness can look very similar, so sometimes it can be confusing and stressful to know what’s happening. Either with yourself or the people that you love.

You’ll have to humor me while I take a few minutes to talk about my experience. And then I’ll talk a little bit more about principles.

When I was 14, I started experiencing symptoms of OCD. The full name is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. When you think of OCD, you might imagine somebody washing their hands all the time and being a germaphobe. That can be an aspect of OCD, but it's kind of like the Hollywood stereotype.

My OCD was something called religious or scrupulous OCD which means I had obsessive thoughts I couldn’t control. They came unbidden and I didn’t want them, they were very distressing to me and they were about religious things. So here I am having no idea what was going on in my head, thinking that I had a spiritual problem. That I was an evil person, for like 7 years, which was hard. I can laugh about it now, but it was hard at the time.

I tried to remedy my OCD with spiritual tools. I prayed about it, I read the scriptures about it, I went to talk to my bishop at college about it and the poor man had no idea what was going on. So all he told me was, "Here’s an Ensign article about thoughts." That’s what he knew and that’s the tool he had. And I thought, okay, this is what I need to do, I need to be more vigilant about my thoughts. It didn’t help. It made it worse actually. Everything that I tried to do spiritually to remedy my mental illness, made it so much worse. Until I got to the point where I don’t know what happened, I think I just realized “there’s something else going on.”  Luckily, BYU has free counseling and I went to counseling there. Which was also scary, but it’s the best thing I did. I got a counselor who knew about OCD. I told her my symptoms and she quickly told me, “Oh yeah, you have OCD.” She told me I didn't have to discuss my mental illness with my bishop, that I didn't have to repent for having a mental illness, but if I wanted to talk to him, I could. I did end up meeting with my bishop and thankfully he was understanding of mental health. After starting counseling, I was better able to manage my OCD. I don’t struggle with it nearly as much; it’s nothing compared to what it was before. This healing change was only possible once I started treating OCD as a mental illness and not as a spiritual illness.

The reason I’m telling you this is I wish someone had given this talk when I was 14 because I have a feeling I’m not the only one. I mean, I may be the only one with OCD, I don’t know, but there are other mental illnesses that can masquerade as spiritual illness. For example, depression can look like slothfulness, anxiety can look like a lack of faith, manic depressive disorder can look like a lot of different things, excessive spending is one that I thought of. Which, I don’t know if that’s really a sin, but you know, provident living and all that.

And those are just the core of the mental illness that can look like spiritual illness. I haven't even touched on the coping mechanisms that can come along with it. There are a lot of negative coping mechanisms that come with mental illness or stress that can look like spiritual illness as well. I’ll let you just think about what those might be.

So, how can we tell the difference between the two? That can be kind of hard because it’s not always cut and dry. It can be a little bit of both.

1. Have you tried doing the things the church teaches? Have you tried reading your scriptures, and praying, and going to church? If it’s not helping, look somewhere else. Keep doing those things if you want, but don’t let those be your only source of help. Because if you’re doing the spiritual things and you are still feeling intense distress or even a little bit of stress, there is probably something else going on.

1. A professional opinion is probably the only real way you are going to know what’s going on. Mental health is so individual. I’m a super big fan of therapy, I’m still going and I probably will go for the rest of my life. I always say that everyone on this planet could go to therapy and benefit. You might not “need” it. You may not be losing it at this point in your life, but you could probably benefit. So I think just going to talk to somebody and see what’s going on is never a bad idea. Unless you get a bad therapist, then that might be a bad idea actually. That’s another good point. Therapists are not know-all. Bishops are not know-all. There is not some magical person on this planet right now that can always help you, so if you don’t find the right therapist, go to a different therapist. I don’t know what to tell you if you feel like you don’t have the right bishop. Whoops.

I think that’s all I really wanted to say about that. If you have any questions about any of what I’ve said, feel free to talk to me, I’m an open book. I’m super open, so don’t be afraid to come and talk to me. Life is hard, but it does get better. And there are people out there who want to help us and who can help us.

To close with John Mayer, “I’m in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there.” So in the spirit of that, I wish you all the best.

Opening Lines of Books

The opening sentences of a book can be stirring for me. Reading them invokes the feeling of wind rising up and sweeping past. Something is about to start, about to happen. I am entering a world that will gradually reveal itself to me. I have parted the curtain of vines and stepped into a new forest and I will not emerge the same.

Photo by Gonard Fluit on Unsplash

These are a few of the books and their opening lines that have moved me:

1. Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

"Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men."

2. The Witches by Roald Dahl 

"A Note About Witches: In fairytales, witches always wear silly black hats and black cloaks, and they ride on broomsticks. But this is not a fairytale. This is about REAL WITCHES."

- Pretty much any book by Roald Dahl has a great opener.

3. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J. K. Rowling

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of Number 4 Privet Drive were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much."

4. Evangeline by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (Technically this is an epic poem, not a book)

"This is the forest primeval. The murmuring pines and the hemlocks, bearded with moss, and in garments green, indistinct in the twilight, stand like Druids of eld, with voices sad and prophetic, stand like harper's hoar, with beards that rest on their bosoms. Loud from its rocky caverns, the deep-voiced neighboring ocean speaks, and in accents disconsolate answers the wail of the forest."

5. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C. S. Lewis 

"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."

6. The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham

“The mole had been working very hard all the morning, spring cleaning his little home. First with brooms, then with dusters; then on ladders and steps and chairs, with a brush and a pail of whitewash; Til he had dust in his throat and eyes, and splashes of whitewash all over his black fur, and an aching back and weary arms. Spring was moving in the air above and in the earth below and around him, penetrating even his dark and lowly little house with its spirit of divine discontent and longing. It was small wonder, then, that he suddenly flung down his brush on the floor, said, “Bother!” and, “Oh blow!” and also, “Hang spring cleaning!” and bolted out of the house without even waiting to put on his coat.

7. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath 

"It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York."

What are your favorite opening lines? I would LOVE to hear them. 

OCD

I think OCD is one of the most misused pyschologic diagnoses out there. I hear people at least twice a week saying "I'm OCD," or "It's my OCD." Usually they are referring to straightening a skewed welcome mat. I would be willing to bet that these people don't actually have obsessive compulsive disorder, they are just anal retentive and like to straighten things. 

Also, saying "I'm OCD" makes NO SENSE. You are not the embodiment of obsessive compulsive disorder. 

So what exactly IS obsessive compulsive disorder? It is so much more than just being a germophobe or having to touch your chin every time you take a bite of cereal. 

I want to take a few moments to talk about what OCD is to me. There are a lot of other possibilities, but this is how I experience/experienced OCD.  My OCD is not visible. I'm also coping with it more than when I was 14-21 years old. For the sake of understanding, I'll describe what it was like for me during those years. 

First, I had a lot of unwanted thoughts:

Unwanted thoughts that came back again and again and again and again and....

Unwanted thoughts like: What if I kill someone? What if I rape someone? What if I'm going to commit a mass shooting? What if I lose control over myself and shout obscenities in church? The state of Florida looks like a penis. Everything long and roundish looks like a penis. Why do sexual thoughts about Jesus enter my mind? What if I have no control over myself whatsoever?

The more I tried to push these thoughts out of my head, the more force and power they had. The more guilty I felt, the more often they came. Until I felt sure that I was an evil person. 

My thoughts were like painful zaps with a rubber band. Quick, but distressing. They would flick through my mind unannounced and uninvited. The thoughts wouldn't last long, but they would come with increasing frequency. The same set of thoughts striking my mind repeatedly. 

Second, I had compulsions, which is the aspect that Hollywood focuses on. My compulsions were invisible. I wasn't a hand washer. When I had an intrusive thought, I reflexively repeated in my mind "please forgive me" in an attempt to neutralize the bad thought. 

A full definition of the disorder can be found in The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition). For our purposes, this description by comedian Maria Bamford will do: 

 "Have you ever not wanted to go to Sea World ‘cause you're worried if you're left alone with a baby starfish, you'd try to kiss its poop hole?"

Everyone with OCD needs to listen to her comedy.

It's hard to tell people that I used to have intrusive thoughts about being a murderer or some other horrible sort of person. The general public has such a limited understanding of OCD, it can be initially jarring and worrisome to hear about those thoughts. It can be difficult to understand the difference between a destructive crazy person and a person who worries about being a destructive crazy person. The best way I've heard it described is that a psychopath has a lack of conscience. A person with OCD has an overactive conscience. Psychopaths don't worry about hurting people. 

My healing came from telling my therapist all the thoughts I hadn't dared to give breath to before. She calmly looked at me and said, "oh yeah you have OCD." 
Now, lest you think this is easy for me to talk about, when I first sat down with my therapist Lisa (see this post) I sobbed for a long time before I could tell her the horrible, shameful things going through my head. It felt like I could not physically speak the words. My lips would not form them. 

It took a long time to change the perception of myself and understand those thoughts were not my own, but a mental illness. (It also took a lot of Brene Brown-esque "You had a bad thought, you are not a bad person" mantras).

So, what is all this for? Why am I telling you something I still find pretty embarrassing and shameful? I want people to have a better understanding of what OCD is. Whenever someone offhandedly says "I'm OCD" or a television show portrays someone with the disorder as a hand washing, pencil straightener, I feel like my experience is cheapened or diminished. I feel like the horrible shame I experienced is reduced to a comical display of tidiness. I also want people who have OCD to know what it is so they don't think they are evil people. If any of what I have said resonates with you, talk to a therapist. You may not be normal, but you are definitely not alone. 

More resources about OCD/mental illness:

Invisibilia podcast Season 1 Episode 1 "The Secret History of Thoughts"
Criminal podcast Episodes 51 and 52 "Money Tree"  and "The Checklist" 
Darkness Visible by William Styron
www.nami.org National Alliance on Mental Illness

Julia Vincent Hetherton

What to do with a Picky Eater

If you should have a picky eater:

I was a champion picky eater. My sustenance consisted of bread (without the crust) and cereal. If cereal wasn't fortified, I would be dead. For lunch I would ball up my crust-less white bread so that it no longer resembled bread but a solid lump of bread turd.

Apparently I am not the only person to have done this.

I would also bite my Kraft American cheese into the shape of Texas. No other state, just Texas.
That wasn't a picky eater thing, that was just because I was weird. Formal dinner situations were torture. I was terrified of people judging me for just eating a roll for dinner. Shout out to my dad for letting me sneak my unwanted food to him.

Occasionally, I would bite a carrot or two or eat a thin layer of apple IF the crust was peeled.

I admire people who can do this. I'm grossed out by people who can eat the whole apple core.

I didn't eat bananas until I was 19, hamburgers until I was 21 and steak until I was 22. So it took a while, but GOSH DANGIT, it happened. There's hope for your kids too!

If mealtime at your house looks like this:

Here are a few things you can do that may help with the pickiness:

1. Realize that this is a war, not a battle. Expect it to take some time, like weeks. The theory is to gradually expose your child to a food before ever expecting it to go near their mouth.

2. Allow your child to interact with the food in a non-threatening way. Put it in a bag and let them touch it through the bag.

3. Ask the child to describe properties of the food (color, soft/hard, bumpy, smooth, etc.).

4. Let them touch the food with their finger.

5. Let them play with the food. (Drawing with pudding, making a face with carrots, etc.)

6. Ask the child to feed the food to someone else (someone who likes the food).

7. Let them smell the food.

8. Let them touch the food with their tongue. Literally just touch it. (side note: When I was still picky, I would nobly try a tiny bite of food that I did not want to eat because people asked me to. THIS IS A GOOD THING. But then people would see how tiny my bite was and say, "You can't taste a bite that small! You need a bigger bite!! At which time they would hand me such a large spoonful, that just looking at it made me want to puke. End of wanting to try that food or eat in public ever.)

9. Let them put it in their mouth and then spit it out.

10. Let them eat it.

The important thing with all of this is to celebrate each step. To a kid who has a hate relationship with food, each step is a HUGE deal. When they do one step, don't push it past that. Let them just take one step at a time.

Also, if your kid only eats white bread, don't immediately jump to exposing them to salmon. Start with wheat bread or something similar to white bread. Take it sloooooooow. And none of this airplane crap. They know it's not an airplane.

Best of luck!

Julia Vincent Hetherton