The Elementary School Crush

I have learned the hard way to never volunteer for anything unless you know explicitly what it is that you are volunteering for. Otherwise, you end up in the middle of the elementary school library pretending to be in love with a boy that you feel most icky and uncomfortable around.

"Can you show me how to use scissors?"

I looked at Ian in poorly veiled disbelief. By third grade, you should know how to use scissors.

"Yesss." I suspiciously went to reach for the scissors in his hand, meaning to give him a demonstration and then be done with it. He didn't move his hands out of the scissors though. He wanted me to guide him. I realized that he just wanted our hands to touch. Clever. But not clever enough to make me like him. Ian was a boy who had been shyly trying to show interest in me, but I was not having it. I showed him how to use the scissors and quickly went back to my project. 

During library story time Ian tried to sit next to me, but I feigned a need to ask someone a question so that I could move. It wasn't that I was trying to be mean, I just felt uncomfortable with any sort of lovey dovey vulnerable stuff.

I was uber excited to be reading "Hank the Cowdog" for story group. At this point in my life I thought that these books were great literature. (They’re not. Sorry to anyone who is a sincere Hank the Cowdog fan.) I was pumped. I was ready to hear about Hank's adventures. I settled into my criss cross applesauce position.

Ms. Librarian started to read. In the middle of the chapter, she asked for volunteers. My hand shot up. I have terrible luck and I'm usually not picked for things. I have never once won a game of bingo. Ever. The last time I played, every single one of the 30 people playing eventually won and I still kept losing. They had to rig it so I could get my fruit snack prize. I'm never picked to be the kid on the stage for the magic trick and I don't win contests. 

"Let's see........how about Julia." I was picked to come to the front. "Yes!" I thought. "My bad luck is over!" Then I heard who was called up as the second volunteer. 

"Ian, you come to the front."

Iaaaannnnn! Not Iaaannnn, the kid that makes me feel squirmy! I gave Ian an insincere smile. He gave me a very sincere smile. Too sincere. Bleck. 

"Let's just get this over with and forget the whole thing." I thought to myself. I heard Ms. Librarian’s voice echoing from a distant realm as she started to explain what we were going to be acting out. 

"Julia, you are going to be the girl dog that Hank is in love with. Ian, you are going to be Hank.”

I was staunchly avoiding eye contact with Ian, but I could feel his giddy smile. For the next fifteen minutes I had to read a sappy, poorly written love scene with Ian. I had to howl my affections at him. My first howl wasn’t convincing enough so she had me do it again.

Two years earlier in first grade, I was at the same school. PE class back then was fun. I was still blissfully unaware of my lack of athleticism. My PE teacher was not. Mr. Terango excitedly told us that he had a new game for us to play. He stood in front of his squirmy group of 6 years olds and announced that he would need a volunteer.  All hands started flapping in the air, including mine. I was chosen.

I proudly stepped up beside Mr. Terango, my ponytail swishing and my skort looking cute. I looked up at him and waited for him to tell me what my super-important-job would be.

“Julia, you are going to be one of the cones. We are one short and so you get to sit in the middle and divide the sides.”

I looked at him like he had just told me that I “got” to be a cone. Which he had. Since when has it been a privilege to act like a three dimensional piece of plastic that smells funny? Too stupefied to contest him, I sat in between two orange cones for the rest of the period and watched balls zoom over my head as my classmates had a great time playing a game.

So if you ever ask me to do you a favor and I ask “what is it?” Just remember that I once had to howl at a boy in the library and be a traffic cone and then tell me what it is that you want me to do.