The Body

This is a story about body image, but it starts with a kissing story.

I started this post 5 months ago. I've been unsure of how to present this without it sounding like I'm fishing for compliments. Just know that my purpose is to share my thoughts with the universe and hopefully they will benefit a few people.

I didn't get real kissed until I was 24 years old. I got kissed on the cheek for the first time when I was 23 years old. Scandalous, I know.

I was in an airport with a boy that had taken me on a few dates and I could tell that he was feeling nervous about something. He kept looking at me and then looking away. When he had to leave for his flight and I for mine, he gave me a hug and then out of nowhere kissed me on the cheek. (Ok, maybe anyone with at least one eye and a brain would have seen it coming, but I didn't.) I was so surprised, I elegantly said, "Oh....thanks."

I was walking away trying to figure out how I felt about it all and kind of chuckling to myself at the absurdity. Truly bewildered, I thought, "But, I'm fat..."

That was honestly my second reaction.

I believed because I wasn't an Athleta model or that girl on campus I just saw, that no one would like me. That was simply not true. The moment in the airport and a few others started a process that changed how I perceive myself.

I want to share the 5 shackle-breaking moments I had with my body perception.

1. A Black Red-headed Swedish Model. 

God answers a lot of my prayers through Yahoo articles and podcasts. I happened upon an article about Sabina Karlsson. Which lead me to her Instagram profile. Which lead me to drink in the genuine and subtle confidence that she projects. I saw how she held herself and how she looked at me as if to say, "Look at me, I am unique and I am beautiful. Not because of the rules set forth by society, but because I know who I am." It gave me permission to feel that way about myself too.

@thesabinakarlsson

Photo Credit: JAG  Models

 Photo Credit: Anastasia Garcia.

2. A Book.

It's not one of those "Eat what you want AND lose weight!" scams. It's more of an, "Eat what your body tells you and quit being so neurotic about dieting!" scams. And by scams, I mean that they try to hook you with catchy things like the horrible subtitle they chose. So cliche. However, the principles in the book are gold.

I didn't realize that I was allowed to feel pleasure from eating. Like, I'm allowed to feel heady when I eat a really good piece of bread or soup or full flavor yogurt. I learned to let myself fully submit to and experience the very real pleasure of eating. 

3. I can have fat and be fit.

I used to have a black and white perception that if I wasn't perfectly fit, I was a couch potato. Not so.

 Real conversation I've had:

Coworker: how was your weekend?
Me: "It was really fun, I went on a 70 mile bike trip."
Coworker: Moves to look at my body and says incredulously "Wow."

Yes, I have body fat and yes, I can also sit my rear end on a bike and exercise. They aren't mutually exclusive.

4. No one can pass judgement on me and I shouldn't pass judgement on anyone else. 

If someone food judges you, (makes snide/passive aggressive/demeaning comments about what you are eating) tell them to go handle their own business, because what you're eating sure isn't theirs.

Skinny shaming is bad too. Things like "You're so skinny, I hate you *fake laughter*" That is not a compliment. I don't know when girls started thinking that saying "I hate you" was a compliment. It's not.

5."Perfect" and "Awful" aren't the only body types. 

There are a million. Actually, there are 6,987,000,000. You don't have to be perfect to be attractive.

Own it!

Ultimately, moving toward this frame of mind is personal. And painful at times. And wonderfully freeing. And it has to be a choice. A choice to believe that you are beautiful and that you have worth. No one is going to give you that knowledge. The beauty industry is still trying to scam you out of your money. You will still wonder what people think of you. 

What you can control is fully owning the peace of mind that comes from reveling in the miracle of your body, mind, and spirit. 

Julia Vincent Hetherton

British Curse Words

Sometimes when you have OCD you worry about saying weird things out loud.

And sometimes when you have OCD, because you worry about it, you do say those weird things out loud. At the sensitive age of 10 years old, I was in the kitchen with my mom talking about a class project. My class project was on fertilizer. (Don’t ask me why, I probably picked the topic and was for some reason interested in the dangers of eating chemicals).

Now – before I go any further with this story, I need to explain my family’s idea of open communication. When kissing came up on a movie, my parents would say “Close your eyes!”

My dad’s idea of talking about the birds and the bees was to covertly ask me, “Soo. Do you believe that Mary was a virgin?”

,

"Yees"

 “Do you know what that means?”

"Yees."

And that was the end of that.

Well, except that from them on I assiduously avoided any topics that might feel as intensely awkward as that did.

Ok, back to the kitchen when I was ten. I was talking to my mom about my project and practicing it in front of her. When it came time for me to say “fertilizer,” I said “testicles.”

No other context or reason other than my OCD brain made exactly what I was afraid of come true.

My mom:

“Do you know what that means?”

Me: 

I think the subconscious thought process in my mind was something along the lines of this:

“Ok I’m talking about fertilizer……roosters fertilize eggs….how does that work?…..testicles….That would be SO awkward if you said that out loud.”

And then the word came out of my mouth like a gymnast sticking a perfect landing on the mat. Loud and proud for all the world to see. Unmovable and unmistakable.

I considered trying to pretend that I had said another word similar to that. Festival, cubicle, anything but what had so very horribly come out of my mouth. I quickly realized there was no recourse and said something like, “IIIIIII have to go arrange my American Girl dolls now.”

14 years later, I was on the phone with someone from Great Britain. I used one of the exclamations that I like. Something like “man alive” or “jeezy petes.” That started a conversation about what exclamations Brits use. There was a girl from England in my ward and she would always say “bollocks” when she missed the ball during volleyball. She seemed like a nice, normal girl, so I didn't think the word would have any bad connotations. I brought up this word to my friend and he lost it on the phone. At that moment, I knew I had made a tragic mistake. How grave a mistake, I wasn’t sure, but definitely a mistake.

He composed himself, explained what it meant, and I realized that my old "fertilizer" friend had come back to afflict my life. Except this time the word was wearing a Union Jack. Loud and proud for all the world to see.

Julia Vincent Hetherton

Julia vs. Stuff

I am an anti-hoarder. I love to throw things away. It's like a high for me. I get a trip out of tossing something triumphantly into the trash. "You don't have any hold on me you transient worldly dross!"
It's freeing. I try to convert people all the time, but humans are surprisingly attached to their stuff.

Secretly, I would LOVE to be a professional de-clutterer. Getting to throw people's crap away would be exhilarating. This is how I feel when I chuck something into the trash:

But like I said, people are attached to their stuff and the chances of me getting seriously maimed would go way up.

"You don't need this ratty sweatshirt from high school."

"But I like it."

"But you don't neeeeed it."

*Tosses it smugly into the trash*

*Gets beat up*

The only sentimental thing that I keep is notes from people. If you write me something even just mildly personal and kind, I will keep it.

On the flip side, I am also a tightwad. So the things I do keep, I use sparingly. My mind has decided that there is some special occasion coming up in the future that I need to save my nice things for. What that special occasion is, my mind has yet to inform me. Usually this applies to perfume and nice shoes, things that will either run out or get worn out if I use them too frequently.

When there is a special occasion that I might use my nice things for, I usually forget to use them. I buy perfume and because I worry about it running out, I don't use it. So it's essentially like I don't have perfume. WHICH IS THE PROBLEM THAT I'M TRYING TO AVOID IN THE FIRST PLACE. Sometimes I really don't think that I raised my brain.

Even though we live in a world of scarcity (thank you Econ 110 and Dr. Kearl) I am trying to live abundantly. Not wastefully, but abundantly.

I've realized that each moment can be a special occasion because "this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure" - Oprah Winfrey

Cheesy, but true.

So my advice is this: use the dang perfume and then throw the bottle away.

And here's more Soul Train because there are few things greater in this world. The last one is my personal favorite.