"Their Eyes Were Watching God" - thoughts

For those who are familiar with my blog, you will quickly realize that this is not one of my typical posts. This is not a story about something that happened in my life. Instead it is my thoughts on a book that I read. Since I didn't have anyone to discuss it with, I wanted to discuss it with myself. So if you fancy that, read on.

I'm a sucker for literary titles. I have to admit, that is one of the reasons I was drawn to read this book by Zora Neale Hurston. I didn't know much about it except that the title seems to contain a whole world in one sentence. "Their Eyes Were Watching God." It tells the reader almost nothing, but ignites questions. "Who are they?" "Why are they watching God?" It implies some sort of struggle. It implies humans interactions with a force greater than themselves.

So with this curiosity, I started to read.

I found that this book was exactly about struggle and forces greater than us. And yet, it is not a sad story. It contains, among other things, sadness and even worse than sadness, apathy, but I closed the cover feeling enlightened, wiser and with a desire to live my life with more purpose. As Janie Crawford, the main character, says "You got tuh go there tuh know there." I want to go "there" now. I want to have experiences and live and not be afraid of the struggle.

Janie's experiences at first stifle her thoughts and her voice. Then, partly because she meets Tea Cake, her third husband and the man that propels her forward towards her horizon, she rediscovers herself. One great symbol of this is when she lets down her hair from the constricting hair wrap that her second husband forces her to wear.

I love how Janie learns to put what people think of her into perspective. She wants to be true to herself, rather than be true others. This is illustrated poignantly at Tea Cake's funeral. " No expensive veils and robes for Janie this time. She went on in her overalls. She was too busy feeling grief to dress like grief."

As an INFJ, I frequently feel that my actions conform depending on who I am around. Janie encounters this too. With her grandmother and her three husbands she changes how she behaves and how she loves. She compares love to the changeable sea. "Love ain’t somethin’ lak uh grindstone dat’s de same thing everywhere and do de same thing tuh everything it touch. Love is lak de sea. It’s uh movin’ thing...it takes its shape from de shore it meets, and it’s different with every shore.”

Each marriage that she has is a shore. Most importantly, at the end of the book, she arrives at her own shore and is able to love herself and her voice.

To put it in the words of Peoby, Janie's best friend,  “Ah done growed ten feet higher from jus’ listenin’ tuh you, Janie.

The Lisp

"What are you majoring in?"

"Oh, I want to be a Thpeech Therapitht" I joke, emphasizing my lisp.

Most people don't really notice that I have a lisp. However, I don't spend my time surrounded by most people. I spend my time surrounded by people who have been trained for 4+ years to hear incorrect articulation. It's hard to fly under the auditory radar around them.

I'm going to indulge myself for a second and tell you about the three types of lisps.

1.The Emma Stone. Also known as a dentalized lisp (the kind that I have).

2. The Kahmunrah. Also known as an interdental lisp. This is the one that sounds like a straight up /th/ sound. 

3. The Sid the Sloth. Also known as a lateral lisp. 

There's a lot more spit involved with that type of lisp. Ironically, I actually physically cannot produce a lateral lisp. Believe me, I've tried. A lot. 

When I first told my mom that I was changing my major to speech therapy, there was a pause on the end of the line and then, "Are you sure that's what you want to go into?"

I got flustered and said "I know you think I do, but I don't have a LITHP!"

When I get mad, nervous or loud, it gets worse.

Luckily, I'm stubborn and I felt that this is what I was meant to go into, so I stuck with it. Two years passed and I would practice my /s/ sound anytime I was out walking. Walking to class, walking my dog, walking into things, just walking. I improved it a little with help from my mom.

This term, my first term in grad school to become a speech language pathologist, I felt compelled to ask one of my professors to help me with my lisp.

Humbling. That is how I would describe that conversation. Humbling and oddly reassuring.  My professor reacted with kindness and honesty.  I walked out of her office a little overwhelmed with the task of changing a habit of 21 years. I also walked out carrying a workbook that is designed for children.

I have to admit, the way I speak is a part of my identity. Getting rid of my lisp is like asking me to dye my hair blonde or asking me to find the NBA interesting. I like that I have a lisp. I like the slightly higher pitched sound that I make. Do I lose some of my Julianess if I lose my lisp? Can I be a speech therapist with a speech impediment?

I once had an eye doctor with the laziest lazy eye that you've ever seen. In my naive 14 year old mind this seemed absurd to me. "Really? out of allllll the professions, you chose EYE doctor??"

I've since noticed that people are sometimes attracted to the very thing that they struggle with. For example, I recently read a book about a psychologist with manic depressive disorder. I know of social workers that grew up in abusive homes and teachers that hated school.

Never having struggled with something can be a struggle in and of itself. Weakness is not necessarily a bad thing. Struggle gives us passion and passion makes us good at what we do.

Achilles could have made a great podiatrist. Who knows.

Now, I'm not saying that you can't be a civil engineer if you've never had a bridge collapse underneath you. What I am saying is we all need empathy and a reason. A drive.

So when a client comes up to me and says "this thtinks." I can say "I know kid, I know."

Julia Vincent Hetherton

My Therapist's Name

The first time going to therapy is terrifying. "I have to admit to someone that I have FLAWS? And I'm probably going to have to make eye contact while admitting my flaws??" At least, that is my idea of terrifying.

For my first appointment, I arrived early as per usual and paced in the hallway about 6 times. I was trying to decide if this was actually a good idea. Whenever someone would walk by, I would stop and feign all-encompassing interest in a picture of some lady with beady eyes and spectacles. Peering over my shoulder, I would set to work pacing again as soon as I saw that they were gone.

When I was on my 7th rotation, I braced my feet to the ground, set my jaw and wobbled forward to the door. Advice: don't be early to your first therapy session. Be running a little late so you don't have time to question whether you are going to go through with it or not. Just bulldoze through the door with your head held high.

Once inside the lobby, I bee lined for the receptionist and whispered to her, because everyone whispers in the therapy office. If someone could explain that to me, I would greatly appreciate it. Maybe a long time ago someone had a cold and had to whisper and then everyone started to whisper and now no one wants to be the person that talks LOUD, which is actually just a normal level. Hmm. Spreading meekness instead of germs. Interesting.

Anyway, I succumbed to passive aggressive peer pressure and whispered "Hi, I have an appointment with um....Lisa."I whispered "Lisa" even quieter in case she had a reputation for taking on really difficult clients.

"Juuuust so everybody's clear, I need help but I don't need that much help, OK? OK."

Dumb. I realize that that is dumb now.

Once I was in Lisa's personal office and sitting in her purple recliner it wasn't so bad. A few sessions of reality checks and a diagnosis of anxiety and OCD and I was feeling muuuuch better. It's funny how realizing that you are, in fact, crazy makes you feel less crazy.  In short, therapy made me feel really happy and when I feel happy about something, I tell EVERYONE.

That personality trait has worked out for me thus far in my life because usually I'm happy about a book or a movie or a cool fact that I learned. Those things are safe to talk about.

After experiencing the wonders of therapy, I would be talking to someone and think of some great insight that I had learned from my therapist. I would open my mouth and widen my eyes to share it and then abruptly clamp my mouth shut and pout in a conflicted way.

It was like "psychologist" was some taboo word that I couldn't say. Eventually, I got tired of not talking about therapy and now I talk about it whenever I feel like it's relevant and helpful.

I've visited three therapists at different times in my life. The first two were named Lisa and Glen. In my opinion those are perfect therapist names. Lisa. Glen. Say them out loud to yourself. Lisaa Gleenn. Don't you just feel calmer saying them? Liiissaaaa Gleeeeennn.

After my mission when I wanted to see a therapist again, I was expecting to get someone named Alan or Joel or Susan or something like that. Equally soothing names.

When I came to the front desk for my appointment, the receptionist (Named Sherrie.....fairly good therapist name but not as good as Glen or Lisa, which is probably why she was just at the front desk) smiled politely and said "Tyler will see you in a moment."

Tyler?!? What kind of a name is that? Not a therapist name! I had some serious doubts about this guy's credentials. Tyler is the name for someone that skateboards or that you have lots of fun with or that makes movies about an old Black woman. Probably the closest Tyler to being a therapist is Tyler Joseph. He sings about depression and stuff. He's allowed to be named Tyler because he's a pop star.

If I followed my own theory, I should have been a librarian. But a speech therapist is close enough.

Skeptically, I walked into Tyler's office and cautiously assessed his competence from behind folded arms and squinted eyes. Turns out Tylers make pretty good therapists too. I have since changed my namist ways.

So if your name is Archibald and you want to be a social media specialist, go for it!

And don't be afraid to talk about what you want to talk about. Like the fact that your name is Archibald and you had to go to therapy for that. No shame! When you share your story, it helps other people to share theirs.