OCD

I think OCD is one of the most misused pyschologic diagnoses out there. I hear people at least twice a week saying "I'm OCD," or "It's my OCD." Usually they are referring to straightening a skewed welcome mat. I would be willing to bet that these people don't actually have obsessive compulsive disorder, they are just anal retentive and like to straighten things. 

Also, saying "I'm OCD" makes NO SENSE. You are not the embodiment of obsessive compulsive disorder. 

So what exactly IS obsessive compulsive disorder? It is so much more than just being a germophobe or having to touch your chin every time you take a bite of cereal. 

I want to take a few moments to talk about what OCD is to me. There are a lot of other possibilities, but this is how I experience/experienced OCD.  My OCD is not visible. I'm also coping with it more than when I was 14-21 years old. For the sake of understanding, I'll describe what it was like for me during those years. 

First, I had a lot of unwanted thoughts:

Unwanted thoughts that came back again and again and again and again and....

Unwanted thoughts like: What if I kill someone? What if I rape someone? What if I'm going to commit a mass shooting? What if I lose control over myself and shout obscenities in church? The state of Florida looks like a penis. Everything long and roundish looks like a penis. Why do sexual thoughts about Jesus enter my mind? What if I have no control over myself whatsoever?

The more I tried to push these thoughts out of my head, the more force and power they had. The more guilty I felt, the more often they came. Until I felt sure that I was an evil person. 

My thoughts were like painful zaps with a rubber band. Quick, but distressing. They would flick through my mind unannounced and uninvited. The thoughts wouldn't last long, but they would come with increasing frequency. The same set of thoughts striking my mind repeatedly. 

Second, I had compulsions, which is the aspect that Hollywood focuses on. My compulsions were invisible. I wasn't a hand washer. When I had an intrusive thought, I reflexively repeated in my mind "please forgive me" in an attempt to neutralize the bad thought. 

A full definition of the disorder can be found in The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition). For our purposes, this description by comedian Maria Bamford will do: 

 "Have you ever not wanted to go to Sea World ‘cause you're worried if you're left alone with a baby starfish, you'd try to kiss its poop hole?"

Everyone with OCD needs to listen to her comedy.

It's hard to tell people that I used to have intrusive thoughts about being a murderer or some other horrible sort of person. The general public has such a limited understanding of OCD, it can be initially jarring and worrisome to hear about those thoughts. It can be difficult to understand the difference between a destructive crazy person and a person who worries about being a destructive crazy person. The best way I've heard it described is that a psychopath has a lack of conscience. A person with OCD has an overactive conscience. Psychopaths don't worry about hurting people. 

My healing came from telling my therapist all the thoughts I hadn't dared to give breath to before. She calmly looked at me and said, "oh yeah you have OCD." 
Now, lest you think this is easy for me to talk about, when I first sat down with my therapist Lisa (see this post) I sobbed for a long time before I could tell her the horrible, shameful things going through my head. It felt like I could not physically speak the words. My lips would not form them. 

It took a long time to change the perception of myself and understand those thoughts were not my own, but a mental illness. (It also took a lot of Brene Brown-esque "You had a bad thought, you are not a bad person" mantras).

So, what is all this for? Why am I telling you something I still find pretty embarrassing and shameful? I want people to have a better understanding of what OCD is. Whenever someone offhandedly says "I'm OCD" or a television show portrays someone with the disorder as a hand washing, pencil straightener, I feel like my experience is cheapened or diminished. I feel like the horrible shame I experienced is reduced to a comical display of tidiness. I also want people who have OCD to know what it is so they don't think they are evil people. If any of what I have said resonates with you, talk to a therapist. You may not be normal, but you are definitely not alone. 

More resources about OCD/mental illness:

Invisibilia podcast Season 1 Episode 1 "The Secret History of Thoughts"
Criminal podcast Episodes 51 and 52 "Money Tree"  and "The Checklist" 
Darkness Visible by William Styron
www.nami.org National Alliance on Mental Illness

Julia Vincent Hetherton